Relationship Advice And Direct Answers from Wayne and Tamara
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Wayne and Tamara Mitchell. We will post Wayne and Tamara's latest column every week.
June 19, 2006
I've been with my girlfriend five years. We've had our share of ups and downs, but overall it's been the most rewarding relationship I could imagine. Recently everything was perfect. Then I went camping with my friend's girlfriend and alcohol was involved.
I made a very bad and unconscious decision to perform oral sex on her, which is all that happened. I just wasn't thinking. I never thought this could happen because I am not that kind of person. Afterwards I felt terrible.
Although I had no emotional attachment to this girl, I felt I had done the worst possible thing. I told my girlfriend the next day, and now our relationship is on the brink of dissipating. I still love her and know in my heart we can work this out, but she doesn't want to talk to me right now.
Jack, when horror writer Stephen King was in high school, he was given a chance to be a sports reporter for his local newspaper. King had only one reservation: he knew nothing about sports. The editor of the paper, however, didn't see that as a problem. As he explained to Stephen, "These are games people understand when they're watching them drunk in bars. You'll learn if you try."
You are trying to understand a game you played while drunk on a camping trip, and you are taking the high road in all this. Alcohol made you do it, so you are innocent there. It was only oral sex, so you are almost blameless there. And you confessed, so you are an honorable person.
But you must have known when you confessed you were destroying your relationship in your girlfriend's mind and in her memory.
You claim alcohol made you a different person against your character, values, and will. Some ancient, and not so ancient, cultures take a different view. Alcohol frees a person to be who they really are, or at least frees them to do what they seek to do.
Often when a relationship reaches the three, five, or seven year mark, it's at a crossroads. It needs to become marriage or be over. Some inner voice is telling you to end it, but you won't face up to that, so you're going to force her to end it for you. The outer part of you is having a problem with this. But the inner part is driving this forward.
If she lets it pass this time, your inner voice will force the issue again, and again your outer part will deny all responsibility for what is happening.
Wayne & Tamara
I am a divorcée, living in India, in a relationship with a married guy. He is married with two kids, but still he loves me a lot. He tells me the reason he loves me so much is I am his first love. We have no plans of getting married.
I want to come out of this relationship, yet at the same time I need him at least until I marry because I need a man in my life. Help me. If my family or his family comes to know about our relationship, it will be very embarrassing. I told him many times to stop talking to me, but he says at least until my marriage we can be friendly. I feel I need him at least until then, but what if we get caught?
Rena, there are people who eat fire, people who juggle flaming torches, and people who walk on burning coals. These people are all trained professionals. You haven't indicated you have any training with pyrotechnics, and as an amateur, you are likely to get scorched.
Do you want to play with fire, or do you want a loving marriage? You know the risks. Playing with fire may torch your chances for a happy marriage.
Wayne & Tamara
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